7 Reasons Why I'll be Single for the Rest of My Life[or at least for a very long time]

Single as a dollar bill shoved up a strippers crotch....yes that single

So....it usually goes like this: i'll meet a guy(where ever), reluctantly we'll exchange numbers BUT i already know right then and there that we will not get past the first conversation bc i wont pick up the phone. Already annoyed bc he called me, the 'relationship' is deaded b4 he even got a chance to say "wassup." Another possible scenario is we'll 'text' back and forth a couple of times then he'll make the UBER mistake of getting on my nerves. This can be by saying super-homo shit like 'hey you' [ughhhh i loathed guys who use this phrase GAG]. Or by being too persistent in trying to 'chill' - we all know what the infamous 'chill' means, and i want no parts, we barely kno each other u freakin weirdo. Overall his presence just annoys me, but everybody annoys me initially, i NEVER give ppl a chance so i will never kno if the annoyance will slowly transform into admiration....sigh...ive grown enough to kno that its me most of the times. I secretly sabotage any potential good relationship, i suppose its my defense mechanism, oh well, ive accepted it...here are the TOP 7 reasons why i'll be single FOE'EVAH!

7. I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE. Technology has really fucked me up bc i NEVER talk on the phone, unless its to someone in my Fav 5, & even then i try to avoid phone calls unless its messy gossip. I have the cheapest voice plan tmobile has to offer, i have like 300 whenever mins which is like $5.99 a month & i use like 2mins worth each month (prolly used checking my voicemail). With all these social networks/instant messengers/text apps at out fingertips why the hell do i need to talk on the phone, i can very well find out what i want about you by looking at ur facebook status. Apparently the only way u can truly get to kno someone & build a 'relationship' is by interacting physically, whether in person or on the phone. Well i'll be the first to admit: im fucking SOCIALLY RETARDED the end. I dont want to talk on the phone with someone i just met, that shit is just awkward & in the way. Try me bitch & i will send you to voicemail so fast. That shit just pisses me off, & the fact that you left a voicemail pisses me off even more. At this point im livid bc now u forced me to waste even more time by listening & deleting your desperate pleas to talk. Smh just too much emotion too fast, scares me off. Lets chat via text or bbm for about 3mos then i'll 'let' you call me but unfortunately it never gets pass week two b4 i just start ignoring all together & he starts stalking me *see "True Life: I've Been Text Stalked"* :-/

6. I DONT COOK. Yea i said it - i dont cook, nor do i desire to cook for anyone. I'll boil some water for you, but thats about it. This is 2010, dont expect me to be Suzie fucking Homemaker while you watch football & drink beer all day with ur feet propped up on the coffee table expecting me to wait on you hand and foot #aintgonehappen, betta go snatch a white bitch. NEXT.

5. IM VERY MOODY. I will snatch a caesar so quick. I definitely have a slight case of Bi-polar-ness with a hint of schizophrenia [i aint a killa but dont push me]. At first most guys think its 'cute' bc i have a lil attitude but their stance quickly changes when i start cursing them out for being born. Some stick around for a while trying to get me with the 'kill her with kindness' method but my attitude is a force to be reckoned with, i will make Amorosa heal like the bitch she is & make Diddy come out of the closet[take that, take that].

4. I LIVE FOR FREEDOM. Being confined to my parents house for 18 years, i just cant take somebody having reign over my life anymore. I need to be able to come and go as i please without 'drama.' If i wanna go to the House of Dicks and admire dicks on the wall, i dont want to have to check in with anyone or ask them if its alright, and i feel like if your in a 'relationship' thats a common courteous, like it was when you lived in your parents' house. Im a free spirit & i just want to spread my legs wings and fly!!

3. I LIKE HAVING MY CAKE PLUS EATING IT TOO.[i got cake wtf im suppose to do?] This is pretty self explanatory. At this point in my life i dont think i can faithfully be with one & only one person. Not to say that im sum sex-crazed nympho that wants to walk about with her pussy lips hanging out, humping every stiff wood in site, im just saying, i like having options. Love it or leave me alone.

2. I DONT WANT KIDS. Once again it was me who said the blasphemous statement. I just dont have the desire to have kids right now, who knows if this will change in the future but right now at 24 kids are not for me. I dont wanna become somebody's 'baby mother' and become crazy over night. I swear all the chicks i kno who are baby mothers NOT wives were perfectly sane prior to giving birth but i as soon as they dropped the load they went straight-jacket looney, no lie. I refuse. Most guys want kids but arent willing to do what it takes to raise that kid, and we are not using my womb as a test dummie.

1. Definitely the most important reason, I DONT HAVE MY SHIT TOGETHER. How do i expect to bring someone else into my life when i dont even have my life together. Sure im on the right track but its definitely not stable. I need to be the woman of my dreams b4 i can find the man of mine, simple as that. After all i can do bad by my damn self!

Oh and plz dont confuse 'single' with 'lonely'. Yes im ALONE but im definitely not lonely.

*cues "I'm Single"* Put yo hands up if ur single for the night!!!

no shade....